Torn

Am I the only one who ever feels so torn about what they want to do in life? Some of you have heard my thoughts on this but it does not seem to be getting resolved so I'm going to put it in writing.

Picture this: You are on a straight road with a few hills, twists, and turns but overall you are able to keep moving forward. All of a sudden you start to look left and right and realize there are other roads you could go down and you start to wonder. Should I try and go down those roads? What if I get to the end and decide to go down another road? Confused yet? If so, welcome to my life! If not, please tell me how you do it.

The fact of the matter is we do not live forever and we can't possibly do everything we want to do but seriously there is soooo much I want to do, see, etc.

Exhibit A: My original intent when I went to college was to major in Marine Biology, then it was med school, and what do you know I majored in Communication. Close right? Not so much.

At the same time I still have a strong desire to go back to school and major in something related to healthcare. Currently, I work in healthcare just not exactly in the healthcare part. Got that?

I'm fairly certain med school itself is out of the question however last week I returned to ECU and met with a great professor regarding the new Health Communication program. This way I can have the best of both worlds. Am I going to do it? Yea...not sure. I'm hoping to do it is probably the best way to put it for all of you fabulous people.

So many decisions, sacrifices, etc. have to be made. My work, my husband, myself, and many others would have to be part of the final decision. My goal is to start there next Fall one night a week which entails driving to Greenville one night a week. Sound like fun yet?

There is more to this than all of that even. I worry. What if after that? The problem is I know me and I know I won't be satisfied after that and I guess we should never be satisfied but it would be nice one to feel like I'm in the here and now instead of wondering what comes next ya know?

Then there are issues even still. I want to travel, do photography, have kids, and more but where does it all fit? So much to do in so little time and I'm just having trouble figuring out how to put the puzzle together. It is time for me to start trying to just live each day and letting the cards fall where they may but it is soooo hard.

Two quotes on this subject both by the wonderful Ralph Waldo Emerson caught my eye, The first says:

"We are always getting ready to live but never living."

This one describes my every day and it makes me sad. I'm always thinking one step ahead even though my future is not even in my control.

The next one says: "With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future. I live now."

This is how I would like to work towards feeling.

Wow, I'm glad I got all of that out although I'm not sure if I feel better or worse. It is not in my hands I've just got to have faith and it will all work itself out.