Little Megan Grace, Our Daughter, Our Angel

As I said in my last weekly pregnancy survey (35 Weeks), it would probably be my last one. The problem was it was not until just a few short hours after it was written I would realize just how true those words would end up being when I felt my water break and we knew our time with Megan Grace was coming to a close.



It was not really a surprise. We knew that her condition was getting worse and my pregnancy complications were also beginning to put me at risk between the bleeding and the excess amniotic fluid I was carrying around due to her condition.



A little after 1 am on Sunday night (Monday morning) I woke up with what I felt were real labor contractions. They were definitely more painful that the Braxton Hicks contractions I'd been having for weeks. The problem was after enduring two late night trips to L&D I really did not want to wake my husband in the middle of the night again just to spend another night in the hospital just to be sent home the next day.

At 2:30ish I felt a huge gush that just kept gushing and I knew either I was losing a life threatening amount of blood or my water had broken. When I got to the bathroom I was able to determine it was my water so we gathered our things and headed out to the hospital knowing it would be only a very short time until we would be meeting our daughter, Megan Grace.

Once we arrived at the hospital, the on call doctor was actually well versed in regards to our case due to prior arrangements made by my doctor for her to serve as a backup in case of an emergency such as this. The stretcher was standing by along with the team of nurses ready to prep me for the OR. They drew my blood, inserted my IV, checked Megan's heart rate, and monitored my contractions.

Earlier in the evening, when I had been pretty sure I was having real labor pains I never did time them however I knew I was having a lot of them in a short period of time. As I was being prepped in triage, they informed me that my contractions were already only 2 minutes apart and man did they hurt.

It was only a few minutes later they were wheeling me down to the OR on the stretcher. Once we made it inside the doors of the OR area I lost it. I was scared along with many other emotions but the nurses were amazing! They helped me keep my cool throughout the whole procedure and I'm eternally grateful for them.

Once we got in to the actual OR they gave me the spinal and hooked me up the IV lines and we were off. It wasn't long before they pulled out our beautiful Megan Grace and brought her over for us to see before they went to clean her up.

She did not make it out of the OR alive however we are just grateful for the wonderful 10 minutes we were able to spend with her before she passed away.

After all this, I was taken to recovery where all of our families and friends came back to see us. I'm so glad they all came to see Little Megan Grace, hopefully it will be a moment they all treasure forever because I know we are glad they were all here to share that experience with us.

We kept her with us for a few hours before we said our goodbyes along with the rest of the family and then it was time to let her go.

It does sound strange but although we are both sad in way we are both also so proud of her for fighting as long as she did. What a strong little girl!

Thanks to all of the friends, family, and strangers that have helped walked us through this journey. It would have been a lot more difficult without each of you stepping in to help no matter how big or small the gesture may have been. Thank you and we love you all!

35 Weeks

So this is probably my last weekly pregnancy survey.

I'm not 100% sure but at this time next week Megan Grace will probably have arrived whether it is by our choice or her own. It just seems we do not have much time left together so we are doing the best we can.

We have no idea what our lives will look like after Megan Grace arrives but we hope and pray for the best.

Thank you all for your support all along this long and many times painful journey.

How far along? 35 weeks!

Total weight gain/loss: 40 pounds and counting. We found out this week that a lot of this may end up being water weight. Due to Megan Grace's condition I'm carrying around a lot of extra fluid in my belly. For a long time I had been monitoring this but I had stopped asking at some point during that time and it has gotten a little out of control.

Maternity clothes? Yep.

Stretch marks? Same as last week.

Sleep: Horrible. Since I'm off my feet all the time now when I go to bed at night I'm in pain halfway through the night. My back and my hips are the worst. I'm thinking it is because I am already laying down for most of the day.

Best moment this week: Megan Grace still being with us. Not much longer until we have to let her go but for now she is still here.

Labor Signs: Lots of contractions and some other stuff that indicates labor is not far away if we do not get the c section scheduled first. Hopefully I won't go into labor on my own because we are really hoping to avoid doing this in an emergency situation.

Belly Button in or out? Pretty flat at this point.

What I miss: Not being in so much pain all the time. I'm sore from trying to sleep plus the contractions are making it pretty miserable :(

What I am looking forward to: See above.

Weekly Wisdom: Take things hour by hour and day by day. It will get easier.

2:30 in the Morning

and i'm up again. This whole not sleeping thing isn't working out so well. At this point I've resorted to morning naps. Oh well!

Just Hanging out on the Couch

Yep, still here on the couch.

It looks like I still need to write about three things I posted about in this post. The problem is I'm glued to the couch so taking pictures is sort of difficult because I have to wander around gathering the stuff and putting it back so those will have to wait until later.

The only news on the horizon here is that late Sunday night or early Monday morning we had the priviledge of going back to L&D again. Fun times!

They released me Monday afternoon back to my couch. My doctor will be back Tuesday so we are going to meet with her and schedule a c section hopefully. Not what we were hoping for but at this point it looks like the lesser of two evils for many reasons. So please pray for us as we approach Megan's birthday which will likely be at the end of next week. Also, please pray for my safety since it is surgery and I've never been in the operating room in my life. I'm pretty scared of the whole process honestly so be thinking of me as well during this time.

Finally, thank you to all of my wonderful babysitters who have come to sit with me so my husband can work some while I'm at home. You have all been great! Thank you :)

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34 Weeks

How far along? 34 weeks!

Total weight gain/loss: It looks like I'm holding steady at about 40 pounds for now based on my weight at my appointment this past week.

Maternity clothes? Yep.

Stretch marks? Same as last week.

Sleep: Horrible. Since I'm off my feet all the time now when I go to bed at night I'm in pain halfway through the night. My back and my hips are the worst. I'm thinking it is because I am already laying down for most of the day.

Best moment this week: Steve got to feel Megan Grace move again. Also, the fact that she is still with us. We are all just hanging in there.

Labor Signs: Not really other than a few contractions every so often. If I start bleeding again or having more regular contractions then we will be headed back to the hospital for the duration and/or delivery.

Belly Button in or out? Pretty flat at this point.

What I miss: Not being chained to my couch.

What I am looking forward to: See above.

Weekly Wisdom: Follow doctors orders even when you don't want to.

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to the love of my life!

Thank you for being the light of my life through some of the happiest and saddest days of my life. There is no one else I would want to have walking beside me when I need someone to lean on.

You have been a wonderful Father to Megan Grace already and I'm sure she will be proud of you when she is looking down on you once she is gone.

We love you,

Mommy and Megan Grace

A Family Portrait

Megan's Hat

A friend of mine knitted this little hat for Megan Grace in honor of my love for ECU which she surely would have shared. Isn't it the cutest the cutest thing ever?

Tonka Does the Beach

These pictures were on another camera and I just uploaded them today. We just love him so much and he had a blast so I thought I would share a few of my favorites.

One of the Greatest Days of My Life

Was just over 2 years and 3 months ago when I married the love of my life March 10, 2007 in one of the most beautiful places I've ever been.

My husband wanted a low key wedding so we took a few of our closest friends and family and headed to the beautiful island of St. Thomas.

Here are a few of my favorite pictures from that day!

Can you find a better backdrop?

When we were setting up for this picture I thought there was no way it would come out this good. To this day it might be my favorite picture from our wedding day.

This guy was the highlight of the day. A story that is still told by my wedding planner and her husband as well as all of our friends and family.

You see when you are planning a wedding in a tropical location you do not really take into consideration the mating rituals of the local wildlife. Due to this minor oversight we had some additional guests at our ceremony.

It truly is one of those "you had to be there moments" but hysterical none the less. As we were saying our vows I heard one of my bridesmaids crying (think can't catch your breath crying) and thought to myself hmmm maybe I should be crying too?

Little did I know that she had noticed several iguanas lingering in both the trees above her head and the grass in the area around where she was standing. Cue minor oversight number 2: Iguanas are attracted to toenail polish. Wonderful!

These iguanas were just a little too excited about all the pretty ladies with the perfectly polished toes to help themselves and just moments later several of them took off through our wedding cermony.

This of course created chaos with people darting in different directions, laughing, crying, the whole nine yards.

Finally, everything was settled down and we finished off the ceremony but that story is sure to live on for years to come.

Last but not least I leave you with pictures of my beautiful dress which is still hanging in my closet dirty (shame on me I know) and my flowers. They were amazing and truly one of my favorite parts of our wedding day.

33 Weeks with a Side of Bedrest

How far along? 33 weeks!

Total weight gain/loss: No idea because we never made it to my appointments because I was admitted to the hospital instead.

Maternity clothes? Yep.

Stretch marks? Same as last week.

Sleep: Horrible. Since I'm off my feet all the time now when I go to bed at night I'm in pain halfway through the night. My back and my hips are the worst. I'm thinking it is because I am already laying down for most of the day.

Best moment this week: This is a tough one because it was tough week with everything that happened. We are very grateful that Megan Grace is still with us for now though so that is a blessing.

Labor Signs: Not really other than a few contractions every so often. If I start bleeding again or having more regular contractions then we will be headed back to the hospital and likely for an emergency delivery.

Belly Button in or out? Still working on it but it is getting really close to being out.

What I miss: Not being chained to my couch.

What I am looking forward to: See above.

Weekly Wisdom: Follow doctors orders even when you don't want to.

Maternity Pictures Take 2

Our photographer from NILMDTS came out and shot another set of maternity shots at our home a few weeks back. We are so pleased and feel so grateful to have not one but two different sets of pictures documenting our time with Megan Grace.

Here are a few of the ones she has sent me so far :)

Note: No idea why the white space is there. Sometimes it happens but I'm not sure how to fix it. Sorry :(

The Rollercoaster Just Keeps Twisting and Turning

On my rollercoaster the most benign tasks sometimes morph into some of the twists that keep us on our toes waiting for the next shoe to drop.

Wednesday night I was laying on the couch reading Handle with Care before deciding I was going to close up shop for the night and head to bed. Someone had other plans. As soon as I stood up, I felt a few gushes of something which did not feel normal. Had my water broken?

Once in the bathroom I discovered more blood than anyone should see at 32 weeks pregnant so we grabbed our hospital bags along with a few other items before heading out to the door to the hospital very quickly.

If you live near me, you also realize that Wednesday night was one filled with severe thunderstorms so this made for an interesting drive to the hospital. On the way there, we made the necessary phone calls letting people know what was going on with us and Megan Grace.

Also, while on the way to the hospital we realized we had left every form of payment we owned at home hence no cash for food at the hospital. Luckily, a wonderful friend of mine just happened to be at the hospital for the breastfeeding class we had signed up for months ago together and met us in the admissions lobby. Thanks dear I owe you (literally).

We ended up staying the night for observation but it was a night filled with emotions of every facet. Was this going to be Megan Grace's birthday? Was I going to have to have a C Section? Were we ready?

The bleeding ended up stopping so I'm home now on semi bedrest and I'm out of work for at least a week. We will reevaluate the situation next week. I'm calling my doctor today though to figure out where we go from here.

Overall, it the evening went pretty smoothly including a few firsts for me such as my first hospital stay and my very first IV. Wonder what is in store for the future?

Finally!

One of my last requests in regards to Megan Grace was for Steve to get to feel her kick while she is still in my belly. Last night at like 4 am it finally happened!!!

This is such an answer to my prayers and I'm so relieved.

Up until now due to her hours of operation, her stubbornish, and our schedules it just hasn't happened.

She is really only active where I can feel and see it during the day when I'm at work or literally in the middle of the night. Think 3am.

Last night though we were both awakened by the thunderstorm and I'm pretty sure she was trying to escape so it finally happened.

There were a few other times we had tried it when she was moving around but that stubborn little girl (she is her Daddy's girl) would always move away. Silly girl :)

So exciting!

Two things

1) Last night I started reading Handle with Care by Jodi Picoult. You can read the synopsis here. One of the character's in this book is living with Megan's condition, Osteogenesis Imperfecta. The form she has is Type III which is the most severe form a child have and survive. Megan Grace has Type II which is not survivable however this books gives a glimpse into the hardships faced by those who do survive.

It has been a good read so far because it is like taking a look into our life in a way.

2) Today is the one year anniversary of the day I started with this company. This is only the second longest amount of time I've stayed anywhere and in 8 short months it will be the longest.

Have a good day everyone!

32 Weeks

The 32 week belly. It's large :)

The view of the belly while laying down. I'm not normally brave enough to post bare belly pics but this one is really neat :)

And then there is the one standing up :) Look honey, no feet!

How far along? 32 weeks!

Total weight gain/loss: We have an appointment Thursday. I'm sure it is pushing 40 pounds but my health is still good and I'm not uncomfortable most of the time so I'm not too upset.

Maternity clothes? Yep.

Stretch marks? Same as last week but a good friend of mine suggested this cream which I will be purchasing in the very near future.

Sleep: Back to being pretty good. Rolling over is an ordeal at times but overall I can't complain.

Best moment this week: Receiving the blanket for Megan Grace and taking her to play golf. These were some of these final things on my "to do list" and they are done. What a weight lifted off my shoulders.

Labor Signs: Not really but I did have a pretty good bout with some contractions this weekend. Now I am drinking about 100 ounces of water a day to keep them at bay. It seems to be working pretty well.

Belly Button in or out? Still working on it but it is getting really close to being out.

What I miss: Not being so thirsty all day long.

What I am looking forward to: Seeing the results of our last set of maternity pictures we did last weekend. I'm still in love with the first set done by my friend Megan so I can't wait to see these.

Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy the food while you have an excuse no matter how many strange looks you get from your husband.

Milestones: I'll have to get back to you on this one this week.

Sentimental

I'm one of these people. The other day I was reading a blog post on another blog and the topic was Your Most Prized Possessions. The answers surprised me because I have a ton of stuff that is sentimental to me and most people only had a few things. I'll have to do a special post on this some day because this list is incredibly long.

Preparing for the arrival of our daughter has not changed that at all. Literally everything we have for her once she arrives was made by someone, sent by someone, etc. and all of these people have touched our lives in some way, shape, or form. In the past, I have posted pictures of many of these things and so today I bring you more of these special things.



This is a preemie outfit I found for her at Carters. See the tiny little shirt with the little lamb on it? Don't you think it goes perfect for the little lamb I bought for her?

The story of this blanket just warms my heart. Yesterday, my grandparents came over for dinner. When my grandmother walked in she had a gift which I assumed was for Megan Grace and I was correct. This is what was in the box.

A lady I grew up going to "Ladies Lunches" with along with my grandmother and her friends made this for Megan Grace. The thing is the lady was already making it before we found out Megan Grace was very sick.

See the angel? Could it be more fitting? I think not.

Then there is this book which also arrived with some very special friends from the beautiful island of St. Thomas. Our wedding planner and her wonderful family sent this for us to read to Megan Grace along with two seahorse charms (not pictured).

Our wedding was one of the best days of my life shared with very few people in a gorgeous location. They wanted us to have this to share that day with Megan Grace during her short time with us along with a very humorous story about the day itself that I have never shared here involving iguanas :) One day I'll get around to posting about that as well.

I'm going to get something to put the charms on shortly so I will be sure and take pictures to post once I do. There is one for me and one for Megan. I'll probably get a small bracelet or something for Megan's and keep it with all her other jewelry once she is gone.

Finally, one of the Mother's Day gifts I received this year. This special momento was sent to me by a friend of Steve's whom I've actually never met. I've met her husband, seen pictures, of her kids, but we have never met in person. Funny though, because this lovely lady is someone my husband has always spoken highly of through the years I've known him and it was not until recently I discovered her birthday is the day after mine. No wonder they got along so well :)

The card that was sent along with this made me cry just a little but it was one of the only gifts I received for Mother's Day this year and it could not have been more appropriate. It has a special place in my china cabinet amongst the china so I see it each time I walk by.

All of these things mean so much to us now and will for years to come. Each of these gifts have a story and were sent out of love for our family. We appreciate each of them. Thank you!

So, I have a lot of posts brewing just because of this one:

• The story of our wedding day
• Pictures of the seahorses
• A post about my other Mother's Day gift which also includes more pictures of special things made for our family.
• Things that are sentimental to me.
• Picture of the adorable little hat made by a friend of mine for Megan Grace

Wow! It appears I should get to writing :)

Puppy Love

Tonka loves my Grandfather and clearly my Grandfather loves him :)

At the Front Door

This is what I found. Just a little token of hope sent down from above to comfort me as we move closer to Megan Grace's birthday.

Butterflies have always been a comfort for me, strangely enough, hence the name of my blog. Rarely though, do I actually see them and especially not ones as beautiful as this one, which was literally right outside my front door the other morning.

The emotions are coming easier and the anxiety is more frequent. Little reminders like this one that say "It will all be ok" are just what I need right now.

Mmmm Good

Strawberry Cobbler~It was not pretty but it was good!

Strawberries and Cool Whip

Inspiration

Lately as I've listened to the songs on the radio I've come across a few that speak to me as I continue down this path.

To name a few:

The Climb by Miley Cyrus (mentioned here)

Sissy's Song by Alan Jackson

No More Goodbyes by Rascal Flatts. The video for this song actual paints a much different picture than just the words alone. Very tricky :)

Along those same lines a blog reader had sent me a CD of wonderful songs back when we first received Megan Grace's diagnosis. It makes me cry every time but sometimes it helps just to get it all out.

When you couple this with my Faith, therapy, and the books I've been reading I really do feel like I'm continuing to prepare.

We will see how that pans out......

Dear Megan Grace,

Next month. Next month is the month we will get to meet you, hug you, kiss you, and hold you. It is also the month we will let you go to God if the doctors are correct.

Our time with you has flown by but hopefully we still have a few weeks to do a few more things with you during your time here with us. Daddy and I are planning on taking you to play golf soon since that is something he loves to do and wants to share it with you.

We both want you to know that we have loved you since before we ever found out about you and will be with you until you take your last breath. Never will we leave you be alone.

Last night, we talked in the middle of the night as we sometimes do. Mommy had a dream that for some reason we had left you all alone at the hospital and you had gone to Heaven before we got back. This is not going to happen and it upset Mommy very much to think we left you alone for even a minute.

We are not sure when you are going to arrive or how but we do know it will all be very bittersweet. The good news is that when you are in Heaven all your little bones will be fixed and you will be whole again. The bad news is our hearts will never be the same once you are gone. We will always love you forever and ever.

Thank for the time you have given us to enjoy your little personality Megan Grace. We can't wait to meet you in a few short weeks even if it is the hardest day of both our lives.

Love you,

Mommy, Daddy, and your big brother Tonka

*Picture to come*

How far along? 31 weeks!

Total weight gain/loss: Over 30 pounds and counting :)

Maternity clothes? Yep.

Stretch marks? The ones that weren't on my belly before are multiplying but so far they still aren't on my belly thank goodness. Hopefully they stay where they are and continue to multiply instead of relocating to my belly region.

Sleep: It's going. Not great but not horrible either. It seems my dreams are haunting me now. More on that later.

Best moment this week: Getting the amnio behind me along with the glucose test and my Rhogam shot. Hopefully no more pain or needles until delivery!

Labor Signs: No, thank God.

Belly Button in or out? Still working on it.

What I miss: Not feeling large and in charge.

What I am looking forward to: Seeing the results of our last set of maternity pictures this weekend. I'm still in love with the first set done by my friend Megan so I can't wait to see these.

Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy the food while you have an excuse no matter how many strange looks you get from your husband.

Milestones: I'll have to get back to you on this one this week.