22 Weeks (with a trip to Labor & Delivery on the side)

How far along? 22 weeks!

Total weight gain/loss: At my last appointment I was up a total of 7 pounds.

Maternity clothes? Pretty much. It is still strange though how some days I feel rather large and others not so much. Today is one of my not so much days and I'm actually wearing some of my bigger regular clothes.

Stretch marks? There are some but not on my belly thankfully :)

Sleep: Not going so well. Between my mind racing with a million different thoughts and the newly acquired back pain it is a bit of a struggle. I'm going to look into getting one of those pregnancy pillows because right now it doesn't matter how I lay it hurts :(

Best moment this week: Hearing her heartbeat while in L&D yesterday. Even though we know she technically isn't doing "just fine" it was good to know she is still hanging out in there.

Movement: Had I filled this out yesterday morning the answer would have been no which is why we ended up in L&D getting checked out. On the way to church I fed her chocolate milk and a donut hoping she would get moving but no such luck. On the way home, I called to see who was on call and it was my doctor actually so I called her to see what she thought. She agreed we should come in although we both felt most likely everything was fine which she was. Last night, she was wide awake and moving tons. Maybe she just wanted to check out the hospital!

Gender: Our little girl, Megan Grace.

Labor Signs: No, thank God.

Belly Button in or out? Still in

What I miss: Getting a decent night of sleep and not waking up in pain.

What I am looking forward to: Feeling her move more frequently so I can avoid any additional "scares"

Weekly Wisdom: Eat ice cream. It gets the baby moving and it's full of calcium. At least that is what my friends tell me :)

Milestones: Our first trip to L&D. Haha, everyone has to have a quick trip over there once in a while to resolve all those crazy pregnant woman fears.

Dear Megan Grace,

What wonderful news we have received in regards to you today! Mommy has been working on finding another doctor to look at your situation to figure out what exactly is wrong. The doctors here are wonderful however since you have such a special situation they do not know a lot about it.

Today we found out that the #1 hospital in the country which also has a special center for your diagnosis is willing to see us about you :) We are all so blessed to even have this opportunity!

As you know we found out on Friday the 13th some awful news about your condition. News that made Mommy and Daddy cry because you may not be with us long according to the doctors who saw us. This appointment is on Good Friday. What a wonderful day, a wonderful hospital, and hopefully God has a wonderful miracle in store for us all.

There are people all over the nation and maybe world for all we know praying for you. It has really been amazing to see how loved you are by those who don't even know you.

Megan Grace, we pray for you many times a day as do so many others. None of us know what the future holds but we are going to make sure we do everything we can for you while you are here with us.

Love,

Mommy, Daddy, and your Big Brother Tonka

So thankful for great friends

No matter where they came from :)

Last night I went to dinner with a few friends at Panera. Honestly, I was not sure how difficult it would be considering they all have at least one kid, while some are pregnant with #2, and one of them has a brand new beautiful baby girl.

Needless to say a lot of people in my situation would have skipped this one but I just could not do it. These are ladies I've "known" for years and who have supported me through our difficult journey to have a child of our own in addition to just being friends in general.

Overall, it was a great evening out and I actually had a good time. We laughed a lot and cried none. Yep, I made it through without crying even when they gave me the beautiful necklace in honor of Megan. It has a little pink charm and another charm with two little footprints on it. I love it! This morning I was thinking of taking it to an engraving store and having her initials put on the back.

The evening also brought to light a few other interesting observations on my part. Last night everyone acted normal which in turn helped me not feel awkard. This is something I've been saying since my miscarriage in September 2007. There are some people in our lives who have always acted uncomfortable, awkward, etc. around us for whatever reason and it makes it more difficult for us because then we do not know how to act. Last night I was able to see clearly that if others act normal it makes it a lot easier on me than the when the opposite occurs.

Finally, I did hold the brand new 8 week old baby and it did not make me sad at all. It made me feel very happy and hopeful. She is beautiful and so tiny. It made me wonder how Megan Grace is going to look when she arrives. Also, I marveled at what a miracle little babies are and felt very hopeful that one day if Megan Grace does in fact go to be with God we will have another little one of our own. This makes me smile :)

Thank you ladies for being there last night. It truly could not have gone better and I really appreciate all that you do. Love ya!

Amber

Dear Megan Grace,

This morning I wanted to share with you a fun little fact about Mommy. You may think I'm a little strange but the truth is I really like getting mail. Yep, mail. Each day on the way home I look forward to two things 1) checking the mail to see what fun things have arrived 2) seeing Daddy and your big brother Tonka.

The reason I bring this up this morning is because yesterday when I arrived home there was a lot of mail and you know what? Most of it was for you! Since we found out that you are very sick we have gotten a few cards but yesterday not only did we receive a card in the mail for you we also received a book and a package from the String of Pearls organization.

In a way it was very sad to be receiving this mail for you because it acknowledges that you may not be with us long but on the other hand it makes me happy because each one of them will allow us to remember you in a special way.

The book came from Mommy's friend Jocelyn. You see Jocelyn just gave her little girl, Brianna, back to God a few months ago. Brianna was beautiful just like I'm sure you will be when you arrive. If you have to go back to God I find comfort in knowing that you and Brianna will dance in Heaven together and we will all see you both again one day. The title of the book is "Mommy, please don't cry: There are no tears in Heaven.

Megan, Mommy is just so proud of you already and we can't wait to meet you. So many people love you and pray for you each and every day just like Daddy and I. It's amazing to see how many people you have touched and you haven't even arrived yet!

Love,

Mommy and Daddy along with your big brother Tonka

How is April shaping up so far?

Busy. Very busy.

April 7th~ Second opinion at UNC and a counseling appointment
April 14th~ Fetal Echocardiogram and regular OB appointment
April 21st~ My loving husband's birthday, U/S at the MFM doctor in Greensboro, and a meeting with the genetic counselor
April 25th~ Family Wedding
April 26th~ Walk/Run in Charlotte in Megan Grace's honor

All of this and we are considering dropping the second opinion at UNC and going to Johns Hopkins in Baltimore. I've been in contact with them and am in the process of getting some questions answered to be sure it is a good decision. I'll keep you all posted.

Update to yesterday

The good news is today has been much, much better. Truth be told nothing actually "happened" yesterday to cause things to be so bad but I'll try to recap just for my benefit.

It seems it all started Monday. A coworker of mine had been out of the office for two weeks so I was anticipating the conversation starter of them asking how baby and I were doing since he had been out when we were given this diagnosis. It was late in the day but it happened. All in all, I held it together pretty well and was actually able to chat with them for a bit about the situation.

Monday night we also had counseling. There were some issues I wanted to discuss with this particular counselor because he used to be a pastor and has been in the counseling field for many years since so he knows both sides. Since this has happened I've been having some issues with God. My issues mainly stem around things I've said or thought in the past coming back to haunt me later on. He presented things to me differently and I think I am coming to grips with how I process situations now.

Fast forward to Tuesday morning. Most of my office was never made aware of my pregnancy to start with because we do not work closely and I haven't been able to find my sign that says "I'm pregnant" to wear around the office. Then we received this diagnosis so I've been trying to figure out how to break the news without having to do it over and over because I could not have done that emotionally. This is where email became my long lost best friend. The entire team was very supportive and I'm grateful for that.

Finally, another lady in the office came to me to share that they had been praying for us in her church group. She pulled me away to tell me a very touching story regarding the decision we made to carry Megan Grace to term and of course this was the end of being able to tough anything out. I cried, cried, and cried some more. It felt good but it was hard to stop once I got started.

Long story short I guess I should not say yesterday was a "bad" day it was just filled with emotion from Monday afternoon until I made it to my JLG meeting last night. Those ladies are a support network in and of themselves even when they aren't trying and I'm so grateful for them.

Today=Not one of my better days

That is all.

While scanning blogs for entertainment today

I stumbled across one that described how the last week has felt for me to a "T".

This wonderful woman is watching her father fight a long, hard battle with cancer. In her post today, she mentions how during this crisis she has felt the urge to scream out "I'm losing my father" in public so that people "know" her pain instead of just seeing her as the cute girl out shopping.

This is my current reality. For the next five months people will see me out and think "oh, look at the cute pregnant girl shopping" without having the slightest idea that I'm possibly going to lose my child at birth. Before I even read that post today I'd already considered this on numerous occasions.

The flip side to this is as long as people don't know I can enjoy being pregnant for just a little bit longer. I can pretend everything is fine and that in a few shorts months I'll have a happy, healthy baby in my arms. Just for a little bit....

21 Weeks

After thinking about whether or not I was going to continue this I've elected to keep doing this each week because 1) I'm still pregnant 2) We haven't given up hope

How far along? 21 weeks!

Total weight gain/loss: At my last appointment before our world started to unwind I had her look back to my first appointment and it actually looks like I'm up a total of 7 pounds. 3 of those since my 16 week appointment and 4 were actually before that so I lied just a little when I said I hadn't gained any weight before. Sorry :(

Maternity clothes? Pretty much. I've outgrown just about all my regular clothes so maternity clothes it is but the problem is most of them are a little big. What is a girl to do?

Stretch marks? There are some but not on my belly thankfully :)

Sleep: Still doing good but I just can't seem to get enough sleep no matter how long I sleep. I'm in love with sleep right now.

Best moment this week: Feeling a kick from the outside. It was only one but it was so fun! I was just standing still holding my belly and she kicked me!!

Movement: Megan Grace is definitely moving around in there. It still seems to be a bit sporadic but she is hanging in there.

Gender: Our little girl, Megan Grace. We weren't going to find out but given the circumstances we did find out after they gave us the diagnosis.

Labor Signs: No, thank God.

Belly Button in or out? Still in

What I miss: The tiny bit of innocence I had actually left in regards to being pregnant is now officially gone. There wasn't much anyway given my history but now it's gone too never to be seen again.

What I am looking forward to: Feeling her move more frequently

Weekly Wisdom: You are stronger than you actually think you are because when it comes time to face a difficult situation you do make it through to the other side even if you have a few bad days along the way.

Milestones: Feeling her kick me on the outside for the first time.

One week ago

right about this time. We were sitting in a doctors office with a genetic counselor and a MFM Specialist hearing the news we feared worse. One week ago.

The tears flowed and I wasn't sure I would ever be able to stop them but today I'm as optimistic as ever. Just one week later.

Part of it is likely denial and not wanting to face what the doctors say is reality but a lot of it is I am not ready to give up on my little girl. She's still here with us and she is still fighting so why cry? I'm just enjoying every minute not knowing how much time is left.

Megan Grace~We are fighting for you and we know you are right here with us. Only God knows what the outcome is and no matter what we love you more and more each day.

Love,

Mom, Dad, and your furry brother Tonka

The Climb

I'm pretty sure this is my new theme song. Who knew Miley Cyrus would be singing it though?

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x8cnv8_miley-cyrus-the-climb-official-vide_music

Great song!

For Megan Grace

A few years ago I became part of a fantastic online community. It started when I was planning my wedding and has continued ever since. I have literally been "friends" with some of these ladies for quite a few years. I've become friends with some of them outside of that community :)

Since breaking the news of little Megan to all of them they have really rallied around us in more ways than I could have ever imagined. They have even setup a blog which is located at www.formegangrace.blogspot.com in her honor. It is linked to my blog below just in case you want to take a look.

Many of these wonderful women from all across the state are planning events in Megan's honor out of the goodness of their hearts. They are going to use this blog to post updates on the events and I will also use it to post updates on us so that this blog isn't being passed around quite as much.

We are truly grateful for all of the thoughts, prayers, support we have received and continue to receive from every different direction. The last few days would have been much more difficult without it.

Thank you and we love you all!

This morning I'm smiling

Up until today the mornings have been the hardest part of the day for me until early afternoon. Yesterday morning though it was like a switch was flipped and I went from looking at the negative side of the situation to thinking about positive.

The diagnosis yesterday morning had not changed it was my attitude and mood that changed. Once I arrived at work I started thinking about the fact the God does work miracles and that they could be off on their diagnosis of Megan. There is no doubt something isn't "normal" but maybe it isn't as bad as they think. Due to this I started working on getting a second opinion from Duke in regards to our little girl. I've also contacted a specialist we were working with prior to getting pregnant with Megan to see who they might recommend because I value his opinion.

Yesterday afternoon we headed to my regular OB to sit down and go over any questions that we had and to see what she had to say. This is where things get interesting. Prior to going to the appointment yesterday I found this article:

http://www.benotafraid.net/story.asp?id=148

This story is almost word for word how Thursday and Friday unfolded for us last week down to the very diagnosis of a lethal skeletal dysplasia.

So, as we sit down at our appointment yesterday the doctor informed us that our case is now one of a few included in a monthly committee meeting of many doctors and specialists. They have met since our diagnosis on Friday and she said they honestly do not know what is wrong. The answer right now is literally that only time will tell. Based on what they saw Friday they don't expect her to make it but the cards are all still on table and there is time for a miracle to happen.

We are in limbo so I've decided for the next month until our next group of appointments including an echocardiogram to check out her heart in more detail to be positive and pray that God will heal her.

Some other things made me smile this morning. As Megan and I were sitting in the drive thru of CFA I was thinking about my letter to her yesterday. In that letter I noted how it made me sad how she would never be able to attend the ECU games with us and then I realized she has been to one. Just one. She was with me at the Liberty Bowl this year and what a trooper she was. I was only 10 weeks pregnant and we hung out on Beale St. in the cold New Year's Eve weather. It made me smile to think that she was with me for that experience.

The other thing that made me smile besides the fact that it is shaping up to be another beautiful day was the new Miley Cyrus song called The Climb. It spoke to me and gave me hope as I was listening to the words. I'm sure I will be listening to that song time and time again even though I'm pretty sure I thought I'd never say that about a Miley Cyrus song :)

Sorry this got so long. I guess I had a lot to say!

Little Pearl of Goodwill

Megan,

Just after I wrote that letter to you a few minutes ago I wandered around the internet for a few moments because I was curious about what exactly your name meant. Daddy picked out your name because he liked it but we never knew what it meant.

Even before knowing what your name means we thought it was fitting but now that I know I'm so glad that God led Daddy to pick out this special name for you.

Your name means Little Pearl of Goodwill. This makes mommy very happy yet sad at the same time. You are an inspiration for many and our own Little Pearl. We love you very much!

Mommy and Daddy

Dear Megan,

I've been wanting to write this for you since we were given your diagnosis just a few short days ago. There are so many things we want to say to you, teach you, do with you before we have to give you back to God.

You are so loved by so many people already. Daddy and I remember the day so clearly we found out you were coming. It was the day before Thanksgiving and Mommy had been really sick but after many months of waiting for our turn we didn't think it could really be but it was! Ever since that day we have been planning for your arrival as well as all of the things we wanted to share with you.

You have a big brother named Tonka. He has fur, four legs, and a tail but you two would have gotten along just fine. I'm sure you have met. He cuddles up next to me on the couch each day and comforts me when I'm crying about having to lose you.

We were also going to take you with us to share with you our love for ECU and ECU football. One day maybe you could have been a cheerleader but instead you will be our cheerleader up in Heaven.

The day we found out you weren't going to be with us long we went down the Beaufort. It's such a beautiful place and you would love it. There are dolphins that swim through the channel and horses that roam the island. Such a free spirited place just like you Megan. You are such a strong fighter and you look just like your Daddy. In fact, he picked out your name a long time ago before we ever dreamed it would be so fitting for you.

Megan, we love you so much and we are going to do all we can to take care of you until God brings you home. Thank you so much for coming into our life, we wouldn't have it any other way.

Love you,

Mommy and Daddy

Friday March 13th, 2009

A day we will never forget and the day that my biggest fear came true. I'm not even sure how to write this post but I feel like I need to do it.

On Thursday March 12, 2009 we went to our regular 20 week ultrasound. I was nervous but this was not unusual given my history however we had no reason to think anything was wrong with our little one. The u/s tech came in and did all the measurements and we did not find out the sex of the baby because we wanted to keep it a surprise.

They then sent us to meet with the doctor to go over questions etc. or so we thought. This was the moment that changed our life forever. The doctor started explaining that our child has some form of dwarfism and we need to go visit an MFM doctor at 8 am the next morning. We asked a few questions and left thinking our child would be healthy and just smaller than the average person.

That evening we spent hours scouring the internet thinking we would need to prepare to raise a child with Dwarfism and waiting anxiously for our appointment with the MFM Specialist the next morning. We arrived at the appointment at 7:30 and by 10:30 our life had literally crumbled around us.

Based on many measurements and calculations we now know that our little Megan Grace will not survive once she is born. She may live a few minutes, hours, or possibly days but will likely never come home with us but will instead go to her "forever home" where we wait for us until we meet again one day.

We are truly heartbroken at this point in time and have spent the weekend soul searching to prepare ourselves for the long road ahead.

Good eats

I've been meaning to post these pictures for a week now. Last week before the power went out due to the storm I cooked up some some yummy food. The reason this is worth noting in pictures is because normally when I cook it may taste good but it is not always pretty.

However today I bring you:

Pretty Food~It was good too!

Banana Bread

Chicken Casserole

19 Weeks

How far along? 19 weeks!

Total weight gain/loss: At my last appointment (16 weeks) I had not gained any weight. After eating all weekend I'm certain that number is going to increase at my appointment on Thursday.

Maternity clothes? I'm thinking I may have hit the "in between" stage a little later than most. Yesterday, in an attempt to find something to wear I went through the majority of my closet. Most of my regular tops and bottoms and too small but the majority of the maternity clothes were huge on me. I ended up wearing pair of low rise capris and a shirt I found at The Limited just after I got pregnant. I'm dreading getting ready for work tomorrow.

Stretch marks? No, although I'm certain this isn't always going to be the case.

Sleep: Still doing good in fact I just woke up from a 2 hour nap.

Best moment this week: The fact that I still feel pretty good that halfway is only a week away!

Movement: The little person is definitely moving around in there. I still only feel it every now and then and the last couple of days little one has been really quiet but I'm sure it will return soon in full force.

Gender: Surprise :)

Labor Signs: No, thank God.

Belly Button in or out? Still in

What I miss: Still in need of drinks however this week it involves saving my sanity more than just having a nice fruity drink.

What I am looking forward to: Our anatomy ultrasound this week. We aren't finding out the sex but we get to see little one again.

Weekly Wisdom: Try to ignore people as best you can. I'm none too good at this but maybe one day.....

Milestones: 19 weeks. Next stop: Halfway!!

Nothing makes me want to smack people more lately than a know it all

Seriously!

P.S. This may not be a very "nice" post so if you are only into puppies and rainbows you may want to hit the pretty red X in the upper right hand corner. Thanks :)

Good. Now that I know you are reading further I have to get this off my chest. In the last few months I've shared some big and very excited news both on here and in real life. It appears that this brings out the stupid in people. It is like they just throw away their filters and spill negative sewage everywhere. Honestly, I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through the next 22 weeks without smacking someone.

I've got some BIG expectations for MY child. They may not all work out but until either fight tooth and nail to make them work or decide it wasn't all it was cracked up to be in the first place it is nobody's business. Got that?

I realize some of my ideas may not be what worked for your children however I'm not you and your kids aren't mine. Is that clear?

When I say things that you think are crazy and even provide the disclaimer of "I'm going to try and it's going to be difficult but I'm going to try" I don't want to hear your stupid little laugh and the "just wait" comments.

These little remarks do nothing but make me realize just how seriously you shouldn't be taken when you offer your "advice" in the future.

Anywho, I'm done now and I may actually feel better now having gotten this out there.

We shall now return to our regularly schedule programming :)

Tonka's first BIG snow

He had a blast and is now passed out on the floor :)

Happy 1st Birthday Tonka!!!

What a difference a year makes.! This was our little guy one year ago on March 1st, 2008.


And this was him on March 1st, 2009. He's a little over 70 pounds now and was probably a little over a pound then.

It has been a really fun year! He has so much personality and loves us so much. Every morning he wakes us up and we go through our morning routine. In the afternoon he meets me at the door. We are both looking forward to many more years with our "firstborn".



Happy Birthday Tonka!

Fail: Daycare visit #1

As you tell from the title our first daycare visit did not go well. A few people had told me in the past picking a daycare was kind of like buying a house you just sort of "know" it is the right or wrong one for your child. They could not have been more spot on in their assessment.

As soon as we pulled in the parking lot I was pretty sure this was not going to fit the bill for our little one but then we walked in and I was 100% sure. We did stay to listen to what the director had to say but all in all I just wasn't impressed.

I'm not really sure what I didn't like but I guess for the most part I did not see anything I did like. It looks like we are back to the drawing board. I've got quite a few more options so hopefully one of them will work out.

18 weeks

How far along? 18 weeks!

Total weight gain/loss: At my last appointment (16 weeks) I had not gained any weight. My doctor thought it was fine. This week I got bored and picked up one of my pregnancy books and it said I should have gained 10-13 pounds by now so that made me a little nervous. I guess we will see what, if anything, I've gained at my 18 week appointment on Tuesday.

Maternity clothes? Still depends on the day but for the most part not yet. My regular pants are a little snug but I can still wear them if I want and I do most days because most of my maternity pants are still too big.

Stretch marks? No, although I'm certain this isn't always going to be the case.

Sleep: This week was wonderful. The last two nights I've slept like twelve hours. I'm still getting up to pee but that is never going to change and I don't notice most nights since I can pretty much sleep walk to the bathroom and back now.

Best moment this week: I'm going to have to say sleeping really well since I know that probably won't last long.

Movement: The little person is definitely moving around in there. I still only feel it every now and then and the last couple of days little one has been really quiet but I'm sure it will return soon in full force

Gender: Surprise :)

Labor Signs: No, thank God.

Belly Button in or out? Still in

What I miss: I'm back to missing my drinks this week. This is so odd because I wasn't a huge drinker before I got pregnant. If this keeps up it's going to be a long few months.

What I am looking forward to: Our anatomy ultrasound this week. We aren't finding out the sex but we get to see little one again.

Weekly Wisdom: Don't worry be happy!

Milestones: 18 weeks. I can't believe halfway is only two weeks away!