Will there be a balance?

I've been thinking a lot over the last few days and I'm having issues with how to handle all of this once it happens.

This whole situation has always been grouped into phases in my brain from the beginning:

Phase 1: Getting through the rest of my pregnancy
Phase 2: Delivery and the immediate time afterwards
Phase 3: Life after Megan Grace

I'm working on Phase 1. Honestly, I'll say so far it has not been bad. We are almost prepared for her arrival as far as "doing" things go such as the doctors, buying things, figuring out who can support us and who can't. Emotionally, I'm not sure you can really be "ready" but I'm doing as much as I can including going to therapy. On top of all of this, I'm trying to cherish every moment with Megan Grace because I know the weeks are winding down as quickly as they began.

Phase 2 is the part that scares me the most. First, there will be delivery in a hospital. Did I mention I've never spent a single night in a hospital in my life? Luckily, with everything else on my mind this is really the least of my worries unless I have to have a c/s at which point things may go downhill quickly.

Then meeting Megan Grace and likely saying goodbye in a matter of minutes. This will be bittersweet. I'm not sure if I've said this in this blog. Many people will probably not understand when I say this but I'm not hoping for a miracle. Sure, I'll be thrilled if there is a miracle and she is healed but in her condition (which is very poor) I'm not hoping she lives because her quality of life will be very low if at all. One of the things that has crossed my mind many times since we found out in April just how bad her condition is currently is how much pain she might be experiencing. This is one thing I'm glad she will be able to leave behind when she goes to God. We will enjoy every moment we are given with her while she is here but I'll be a little relieved once I know she is pain free although that is when I will finally have to deal with her being gone.

The days and early weeks after will be tough not only because we will finally be able to deal with the loss but the hormone crash is not going to be pleasant. Those first few weeks as much as I hate it I'm probably not going to be "living". When I think back to the time after we found this out I existed in sort of a zombie state and I don't really like it but I think it is how our body protects us from the pain.

This is where I'm torn. Most likely I'm going to deliver in early July. It will be warm and football season will be just around the corner. I really don't want to miss out on all this but I also want to make sure I grieve the loss of our daughter and not just tuck it away to deal with later. How is all of that going to work?

How do you reconcile moving on with your life while honoring the memory of a daughter you love and cherish so very deeply? It has to happen at some point but how do you decide when, how, etc? The time of year when she is going to arrive is one of my favorite times and I don't want to miss out but I also don't want to feel like I'm just forgetting about her. It's a difficult concept to grasp for me right now and I'm not sure how to answer.

A wise person who has been here told me not to worry about tomorrow and it would all take care of itself and it will. The impatient person I am gets agitated with so much uncertainty. One would think I would have given up on that by now right? Not so much apparently.

Anyways, this is where I am today. Not sad, not happy, just at a crossroads with everything I've said. It will all work out I just have to think through it ahead of time to make it all make sense.