Welcome!

I want to offer a warm hello to those of you stopping by from Kelly's Korner.  This is obviously a topic near and dear to many of you so I'll give you a bit of background on our story while you are here.

The story of our dear Megan Grace is actually a timely one for today since we will be presenting a scholarship in her memory for the 3rd time tomorrow!

Megan Grace was born and passed away on 06/29/2009.  We learned at 20 weeks that we were having a little girl however she would not be with us long once she was born.

4 weeks later in a dark ultrasound room at Johns Hopkins, we learned that it was Osteogenesis Imperfecta Type 2 that would ultimately claim her life.

With a diagnosis firmly in hand we traveled home to prepare for the remainder of the time we had with our daughter here on Earth.

She was born at 35 weeks and lived physically only a matter of minutes.  We miss her every day!

As a way to remember her and create something positive from her short life, we established a scholarship at my alma mater.  Each year, we travel there to present it to a very deserving student.

Also, as you can see she also now has a little sister that we love dearly.  One day when she is older, we will share the story of Megan Grace with her.

If you want to read more about Megan Grace, the blog lets you search by tagged posts and they should all pop up under the tag Megan Grace.

Thanks for stopping by!

Not Impressed

My apologies for it taking a week to get to this post.

Christmas was fun yet exhausting therefore a week later I feel like I am still recovering from a massive post Christmas hangover.

Steve and I woke up Christmas morning to open presents with Lauren and Tonka. The two of them were not exactly impressed. It was fun though!

Of course, the morning was not going to pass without us remembering Megan Grace. I took the picture below of the sisters spending their first Christmas "together".

This is Lauren trying out the Bumbo. She was being lazy because she can actually sit up in it a lot better than this.

At our next stop this is what she did the entire time we opened presents. Apparently she thinks Christmas is exhausting too.

Her in one of her many Christmas outfits complete with Santa socks.



And what a memory it will always be to think back on her first Christmas being a white one! It was amazing to see all that snow. The area we were in got about 6 inches. It was a winter wonderland!

She was clearly not impressed with her marshmallow outfit.

Hope you all had a very Merry Christmas!

Gratitude

When I reflect back on last Christmas I barely remember the majority of it. I was simply going through the motions. After suffering the two greatest losses of my entire life in less than 5 months, I felt like a hollow shell of my normal self.

This year is a quite the opposite. We are overjoyed to have this wonderful little girl in our life. At the same time, we take time to remember her sister during this Christmas season. As a way to include her in our family traditions going forward, we decided that each year we will get an angel ornament in her honor. So without further adieu, I bring you the ornament for this year.

This year our tree has also gained 3 new ornaments that belong to Lauren.

We love all of the ornaments especially this one. This ornament is identical to an ornament we were given in honor of Megan Grace last year. They hang beside each other on the tree just as we hold each of them close in our hearts.

This one is a gift I received this year as part of an ornament swap. I love that it is personalized with her name.

Finally, a gift from a friend in honor of one of my other loves. Go Pirates!

Each year as I put up my tree, each of the ornaments serves as some sort of reminder. A person, a trip, or a some other special memory. Decorating our tree each year is such a special time because it never fails to make me smile when I think of what each ornament represents.

Another thing we look forward to each year is the Christmas Cards we receive from friends and family both near and far. This year it seems that all of the cards are flat picture cards so this weekend after I realized this refrigerator doors were full I decided to move them to the french doors of the office. Aren't they pretty?

This year I am just so grateful to finally be joyful again after battling such a difficult year last year. We could not have done it without all of you as we trudged through what was in many ways the worst year of our lives to date.

Merry Christmas to all of you,

The Lavinders

The Passing Of An Inspiration

Typically I am not one to get all wrapped up in celebrity. They are, after all, human.

Last year when we found out our daughter was not going to survive I picked up the book Resilience by Elizabeth Edwards.

Today I can't really tell you why I picked it up instead of the myriad of other books discussing the loss of a child. Maybe because it was written by a bereaved mother instead of a doctor, psychologist, etc?

It may have been because at the time her name was in the headlines after suffering yet another tragic blow in her life as it was rumored (and later confirmed) that her marriage was coming to an end due to infidelity while she also battled cancer.

Either way it was one of the top 5 best books I have ever read.

Her strength in the face of such adversity was amazing. When I heard the news on Monday that she did not have much time left I had hoped she would have one last Christmas with her family.

She didn't. Less than 24 hours after I heard the news she was gone.

My personal hope is that as she near her last moments her on Earth that she looked forward to being reunited with her son and leaving behind the pain, heartache, and tragedy she motored through during her life.

My heart goes out to her remaining children as they face the holidays without their mom.

RIP Elizabeth.

In Great Contrast

To the post below which shows a father saying goodbye to a daughter he loved so dearly.

I bring you this.......

Megan Grace's dear little sister Lauren Hope going home from the hospital. She was born on 9/30 at 7:49 am weighing in at 8 pounds and 20 inches long.

We are comforted in the fact that Baby Lauren resembles her sister so closely that we get a glimpse of both our daughters on a daily basis.

The time that has passed since March 13, 2009 when we found out Megan Grace would not be raised by us here on Earth has been filled with a wide range of emotions from complete sadness to sheer joy as we brought Lauren home from the hospital.

Even still Megan Grace has found a way in the early days of Lauren's life to interject her own sense of humor. Lauren was about 4 days old when a friend pointed out to me that I had been telling everyone that her birthday was 9/29 instead of 9/30. Sure enough I had confused the girl's birthdays :) All I could do was laugh as I pictured Megan Grace smiling down over all of us.

Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven Sweet Angel

There is no party, no balloons, no cake and no celebration however we have memories.

Memories of the sweet little girl who touched our lives forever on this very day last year.

She was not with us long but her memory will remain forever. Our love for her is never ending.

Megan Grace ~ We are so glad you came into our lives even if it was for a short time. You have shaped our family forever just by being you and for that we are so very grateful.

I'm sure you are smiling down from above but what I hope you realize is that many of us are smiling back at you on this very day. You touched lives of people your daddy and I do not even know.

How amazing is that?

Happy 1st Birthday Megan Grace! We love you!

Love,

Mom, Dad, Tonka, and Baby Sister

Mother's Day

The other morning as I was driving to work, I began contemplating this Mother's Day.

Last year, I vividly remember standing in church with tears streaming down my face. Megan Grace was still here with us yet we knew it would be the only Mother's Day we would share with her on this side of Heaven.

This year is again very different. As I ponder Mother's Day this year, I teeter between longing for the daughter who is not here with us while holding out hope for the daughter we are expecting later this year.

Such a twisted ball of emotions all being housed within my heart and soul. Through the coming years I am sure I will continue to figure out how to reconcile these feelings for now though they kind of just reside as polar opposites forever playing a game of mental tug of war.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the wonderful Mother's out there especially the ones who woke up as I did this morning trying to balance such opposing feelings.

Just the Right Outfit

This, is in my opinion, is the perfect first outfit for Megan Grace's little sister don't you think?

We think so and we can't wait until October to see just how cute she looks in it :)

So there you have it blog world. Megan Grace is going to be a big sister in October.

We very excited yet in no way, shape, or form does it take away the pain of missing our Megan Grace. One can only hope she is watching over us as we await the arrival of her younger sister.

Over the last few weeks/months I have been quite MIA from blog world for many reasons but mainly due to finding out we were expecting again.

It has been a very emotional ride that we continue to endure daily. Through the grace of God and the support of each other along with friends and family we are balancing the rollercoaster of emotions that are part of being pregnant again after loss.

We hope you will join us for the ride :)

Whitewater Fun

Last weekend we headed to Charlotte to attend the 6th Annual KinderMourn Duck Race in honor of our Megan Grace as well as Wyatt.

Due to logistical issues, we found out once we arrived that we had to leave at the same time the race actually started. All was not lost. We had arrived 2 hours ahead of time because that is when the gates opened so we had a chance to enjoy the amazing facility.

It was held at the Whitewater Facility in Charlotte, NC. We have been hearing about this place since it opened but had not had the chance to visit. Now that we have we will definitely be making a return trip.

There are tons of activities from rock climbing to actually trying out your skills on the water. We sat and watched some guys who were obviously not amateurs for a bit while there. They were really fun to watch. It made me want to take nap afterwards though because they were working so hard.

We did not walk around the whole facility because it was huge. Also, as you can tell I do not have any pictures of the actual ducks. They were apparently quite a distance up from us and well I was being lazy :)

Steve and I can't wait to return next year and maybe give it a try ourselves!

Megan Grace's Scholarship Presentation

On Saturday, we had the honor of presenting a very deserving student with the scholarship we had setup in honor of Megan Grace.

We feel this is a wonderful way to memorialize her life in a way that will continue to give year after year. We are very proud of the fact that despite her being gone there is still something positive coming from her life.

As I sat in the room with all of these students along with their parents and families I was just in awe of their talent. Many of them are working to be dentists, pediatricians, musicians, and in our case the student is going into vocational rehab.

These kids are the future of our society and it makes me so very proud to be honoring our daughter in a way that would make her proud as well!

Devastation

The next morning we were up painfully early. The appointment was actually scheduled for 8 am however I did have some stuff at work I felt like I had to take care of in the event I was out for a few days for some reason. So off we went.

We arrived at my dark and quiet office together so I could take care of my work quickly before heading to the doctors office.

Once that task was complete we grabbed a quick breakfast together.

And then we were off.

I remember sitting in the doctors office looking at the other people waiting. Why were they there? Surely it was something routine and they weren't there to find out the details of their child's condition as we were.

It was just such a bizarre feeling.

Finally, they called us back. The u/s tech spent forever doing the u/s.

To be honest, at this point I still don't think it had occurred to either of us that our child might not only have Dwarfism but that we would be told she wasn't going to live.

At the end of the u/s they took us into the genetic counselor's office.

This part is a little foggy. I can't remember exactly but I think she told us the news and then the doctor came in to answer any questions we had.

The only part of the conversation I remember really was the point when he told us this was not the walking, talking, functioning type of Dwarfism we were dealing with. At that point I said, "So this child will never come home with us". His answer was "Well, I never say never and I've seen miracles but most likely it will not."

Not long after that I think we drove home and packed our bags for the beach. We had no idea how we were going to break this news and it all felt like a really bad dream so we decided to getaway for a couple of days to digest what we had just learned.

That weekend was quite possibly the most painful part of our whole journey for me. At times I even think it was harder than when she was born and passed away.

It was physically painful. We didn't eat, sleep, or say much of anything meaningful. It was the strangest place to be emotionally.

Once we arrived back home we had to start sharing the news. It was very difficult and something I hope to never have to do again.

We are grateful that through God's grace and the passage of time along with endless support from our friends and family today is not nearly as painful as one year ago today.

It still hurts from time to time. Not a day goes by that we do not think about our daughter and everything the last year has held but together we continue moving forward with Megan Grace in our hearts.

I Can Still Picture It

At pretty much this exact time. Last year. On this exact date.

19 weeks 4 days. The Big U/S.

After it was over they had us go into the exam room to meet with the doctor. Proud unsuspecting soon to be parents we had no clue what was about to take place.

Then she said it.

:Your child appears to have shortened limbs." I looked over at Steve while still being totally clueless. He was taking his hat off and taking a deep breath.

He looked so concerned. But why?

Then it hit me. I'm still not sure if she said Dwarfism before or after I realized what was going on.

It was like everything was moving in slow motion.

According to the u/s tech, it appeared to be the functional type of Dwarfism. While we digested what had just been said she ran off to schedule us an appointment for first thing in the morning with the MFM doctors to get a closer look.

We left the office numb. I called my boss hysterical to tell him I wouldn't be in the next day because of what was going on with the baby. We didn't call family at all because we needed more information.

Once we arrived home I think I contacted a few friends who immediately sent me resources regarding Dwarfism and attempted to calm me down.

I remember taking a shower and talking to Steve through the door about all the things our child wouldn't be able to do.

We were devastated.

What we did not know was just how devastated we were about to be.....

To be continued tomorrow.

7 Months Ago and an Observation

While driving in to work this morning (to which I arrived on time by the way) I was taking in the sunrise. It really was beautiful this morning!

Then it dawned on me......

7 months ago today was MG's birthday. To be honest, it seems like a life time ago and yesterday all at the same time.

The pain is definitely not as fresh nor as painful as it once was. This occurred to me one day recently while driving to work and while I did not realize it at the time I really have turned a corner in this whole process of grieving.

This is a good thing. I'm totally fine with never going back there ever again. There were some bad days in those first six months. Hormones + Grieving is like a ticket to you know where......

To be honest, I have no idea what happened because in my opinion I think I should still be very much in that painful place at this point but I'm just not.

It seems like the pain left about the same time my grandfather did. To me that makes no logical sense. In my mind, logic says when he left the pain should have doubled. Emotionally it seems the opposite occurred.

This whole post is not to say it does not take my breath that both her and my grandfather are gone at times. It does. This morning was a perfect example. It takes me a minute to cruise back to reality once I realize one of these milestones.

Today alone it has happened twice but I'm still standing. I'm standing much taller and stronger than I'd thought I'd be at this point. Hopefully MG is proud of her Mommy today :)

And that observation is going to have to be my next post.

Back At It

Tonight I set out on one of my first runs since the 10k race I ran back in October. I'd run a few times since then but it just seemed like the wheels fell off after that race.

I had intended to take it a little easier after the race because I had really pushed it to get ready for it being that Megan Grace was born at the end of June. The race was about 3 months later if my memory serves me correctly. Then my grandfather passed away in November and the holidays followed soon after.

It is now January. Wow. So back to the grind I go. I'm pretty sure I ran a whole mile tonight and it was HARD. It will get better with time and persistance but right now I just feel out.of.shape.

This too shall pass.....

The Countdown Is On

2009 is on the way out! There are a few people as excited as mr but we are near the top of the list. This year has been a rollercoaster to say the least and I'm ready to hop off to get a better start in 2010. Bring on the good luck!

A Few More Ornaments

After posting pictures of our Christmas tree the other day we received four more ornaments.

So I thought I would share these as well. The one above is from my grandmother. It has Megan's name on it. Really cute!

This one also has Megan's name on it. What an adorable little snowman he is!


Then there are these two little bears with Steve and I's names on them :) Our dear friends the Flintstones gave them to use to commemorate our Christmas trip to the mountains.

The short version of the story behind them is that my wonderful husband was very determined to attract bears to our cabin. That is a story I will share another day :)

6 Months

Oh how I wish this post contained a really sweet picture of me cuddling my six month old daughter. Instead, it contains a picture me cuddling my daughter six months ago.

We did not do anything special in regards to honoring her life today. The day was spent was running errands although we were together since we both have this week off of work.

Our last stop of the day was my grandfather's grave site. Today was the first day either of us have been back to visit since his burial. It seemed fitting to visit there today. While standing beside his grave I couldn't help but think that I just hope he is holding her today since we can't.

We love you and miss you always Megan Grace!

A Few of My Favorite Ornaments

As a follow up to my ornament exchange post I thought I'd share some of my favorite ornaments from past years as well as this year.

This ornament and another one below are from a collection of three that a very dear friend gave me this year. I'm so in love with them. Christmas just isn't going to be the same this year without my dear grandfather. Papa we miss you!

The reason I like to do ornament exchanges is because each year when I put up my tree each ornament reminds me of different times of my life.


or significant others such as Tonka :)


and Megan Grace.


Or Steve.
Our wedding in St. Thomas


The year we MADE ornaments. I'm not sure I'll ever do that again but I do have a few cute ones to show for my hard work.

And this is my prize from this years party!

This one I'm pretty sure is from my first party.
This ornament and the one below are from a collection of three that a very dear friend gave me this year. I'm so in love with them.

Another ornament to remember Megan Grace.


Jackson Hole. One of our favorite places.

Self explanatory but it still makes me think of the person who gave it to me.

I had this one made for myself. The other side has my name and Class of 2004 painted on it.


Another homemade ornament.


And another.


This one has my name on it and I think it is an old one from when I was a child.

A very cute ornament from a couple of past coworkers.


An ornament to comemorate my first (And only so far) half marathon.

Good Friends, Good Wine, and Wonderful Memories

When I bought my first house in 2005 it was my sole intention to have an annual ornament exchange. The first year I had my house I was successful in having some of my closest friends and family over for the beginning of this annual event.

The next year we moved at Christmas. As in, we already had our decorations up and had to take them down, pack them, and move them to an apartment. While in the apartment there was just no room for a party. Last year I was pregnant with Megan Grace and while I could have still had the party I was still feeling yucky being only 8 weeks pregnant so it just did not happen.

After everything I've been through this year I decided I was resuming the tradition that had been on hold since after my last party in 2005.

Without further adieu here is the one picture I have from the party. It was a wonderful evening with lots of good friends, food, and wine. I'm literally already excited about next year!

Thank you all for coming! Love you!

Intertwined

The past week and a half has been such a blur. It is so surreal to think my grandfather was here two weeks ago and now he is gone to be with Megan Grace.

Literally speaking, the loss of the two of them occurred at different times. Mentally speaking, the huge voids in my life are very much intertwined almost as if they happened simultaneously.

Countless times over the past week Megan Grace's name has been spoken. She was talked about so openly it was almost like she was here. Only she wasn't....or was she?

The last night of my grandfather's life we all gathered around him letting him know we loved him and that we would be fine if it was time for him to go. He continued to fight. It was gut wrenching to watch him as he clung to life for just a little bit longer. The hours ticked by and he was still hanging on.

All week I had wrestled with talking to him about Megan Grace. The words just wouldn't come. The fear of not knowing was he was going to say in his semi concious state kept me from saying what I knew I needed to say.

After we had tried everything we could to let him know it was fine to let go and he still didn't I went back to sit with him by myself.

As I sat there and rubbed his head, I very quietly told him to please go and take care of Megan Grace. With that, I kissed his head and walked out of the room after once again telling him I loved him.

A few short minutes later my grandmother went back in there and he was gone. Gone to take care of Megan Grace. Just like I asked him to do.

This story is the only comfort I have while dealing with all of the pain I'm dealing with right now. The comfort of knowing our daugther is in the arms of her great grandfather until we see her again.